why do we?

why do we:
Watch a movie what makes us long or want the life they have so badly? The notebook? yeah who hasn't cried watching that, or at least wanted a moment of their life to have that sort of love? Dreams of being the cool adventurer who'd be daring enough to take a trip or jump into the unknown like Indiana. Yearned to be the one singing and dancing along the streets in a world of their own, unaware of surrounds like within movies depicting musicals.
Pick books to read that are sure to cause us to remenisce? The stories and history that are shared. A hope that we can forget about our lives for just a moment and BE the person in the story. Have their ups and downs instead of our own.
Who can say they've never wished themselves into a storybook world? I certainly can't. I live within the covers of books. I've managed to renew a love of movies and the stories they share.How these authors and directors manage to touch us with words, sights and sounds.they make us feel.
Some manage to make us think and feel like we havn't before. They somehow get us to drege up emotions that are memories and compare these new feelings to ones of the past.How can reading a book about a love who's died, manage to make me cry, when i haven't had that same experience? It's the fears of it happening to me, past experiences of losing a loved ones, not to death but to other things.addiction.another.a lack of something.distance.
not just a romantic love, but other loves as well. loved family members, friends who are so close you count them as siblings. And they don't have to die to lose them.losing a friend/love interest to drugs. not fun. don't talk to them anymore. long before i moved states away, they had changed their life and moved out of mine. I keep a moment or two of our good times in my head when i think of him. Sitting on the hammock in the yard, really talking. giving me a flower as a joke, but realizing, too late how you really felt, and yet you couldn't express it. keeping secrets for one another. wrestling matches over the remote becoming a ticklefest, to just sharing the moment together under a blanket to keep anyone from seeing us stare at one another. so many more to remember and cherish. And you changed by addiction.
"If Frankie and I hadn't wanted ice cream that stupid day, he'd still be alive.If I hadn't gotten his heart all worked up kissing him every night since my birthday, he'd still be alive.If i'd never been born, he'd still be alive."How can she think that? this character can't possibly think that, knowing what she does about how his heart had caused the accident, she and her kisses with a boy [who loved her, it's apparent] are what killed him.and yet, i get it.
"If only i'd lived closer. If i hadn't done that with him. If I hadn't been so religious/short/older/stupid"The list of 'ifs' can go on forever if i let them, but it won't change the now. This moment of me being alone.
Sarah and i talked about biggest fears. I already can't remember her answer, but i can't stop mine from staring me in the face again. All the time suppressed and hidden away, and yet now it chooses to rear it's ugly, sad, wallowing face. Alone.Edgar Allan Poe i believe said something in a note or letter to somebody once, about being alone. I write it the way i best remember it, and find it to apply.'Though I be surrounded by hundreds and yet still I am alone'In trying to find it, i found this poem by somebody instead, and it's not quite right, but it's so beautiful.http://www.darkpoetry.com/dp/2074/16942
I deter from my orginal beginnings, as is usual for myself, but i like where it goes. and to relate the two back together, i say this.The being alone and the fear it instills, seems to be controlled when in life, and living day to day. But when reading or watching movies, that fear is released a bit and sometimes even the tears fall.Today, they fall freely. The last month or so, they've fallen more than i care to count. And yet while i'm hurting, and feeling alone, I seem to feel stronger and stronger after they fall.
more to follow on the stories

i'm just full of blogs! =)

Ok, so i'm not exactly full of blogs, but i'm online again, and just miss blogging SO much, and i've discovered that typing keeps my hands occupied and thus i'm not scratching myself, making my hives worse.
and ok let me tell yah, hives SUCK! ugh. same with tonsillitus. hate them like the black plague. which i'm sure i'll get next, with my luck. and yet i still manage not to have mono. ;) whatev.

kinda in a mood to skip fhe and everything with it. cept i kinda can't seeing as i'm doing the short lesson again cuz well, i am. And then, planning meeting afterwards which is TOTALLY needed. it's way way way way way way ..... [8 million 'way's later] overdue!
but i just would much rather be curled up sleeping. or doing more random online stuff. and watching tivo'd shows or a movie. i've hardly seen movies lately.
Of course it's better that i am going to fhe and this meeting. and, uh totally forgot my train of thought. oops.

oooooooh! great lesson's at church yesterday. standing as witness, and then marriage. er well, dating and courtship. aaaaaaand suddenly i think it's time to switch to my other blog... lol! maybe later.

I wish it were april again. =/ or that it's the end of summer and i'm drivin down the alcan =) that'd be awesome. i'm ready to not feel so alone again. ugh. hate the feeling. probably why i work so much. but work is making me sick i think. or i'm making myself sick. who knows.
i've got work in the morning, and am totally up for going to sleep now. lol
oh well. back to putting together a lesson.
til next time!

simply put

I want to feel his hand around mine.
Hear his breathing near my ear.
Smell him, and not off a shirt sent from far.
Wake up from naps, next to him and still holding on to eachother.
Have him pull me closer or kiss me while he slept, [and i didn't] and not know when mention it.
Not just Know that I've got him forever, but FEEL.

I'm in love... with a town.

Is it's possible? to be in love with a town? i honestly have No Clue.
But thanks to Robby i am absolutly infatuated with Ann Arbor, MI. We went there while i was visiting and it was just about the cutest town ever! amazing little shops. great eats [i REALLY liked Noodle & Co, and am dying to eat at one again] and of course the Michigan Uni. campus which was amazing to check for a moment or two.
Robby n I may joke about my moving to Farminton Hills [or whatev the city is] but i think it'd be amazing cuz then i'd be SO close to Ann arbor and able to visit him AND have this amazing little city just about a half hour away...
oh the wishes n dreams i have.

excited, and scared. not just scared, i'm freakin!

gah!
it's 3am, i have to get up soon for work, and here i am online, not asleep, and i'm just WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY to excited to be gone and on my way to seeing robby.
it's been over a year now since i last saw him. and i'm starting to get scared about it all actually.
i'm re-meeting the mother. officially meeting the rest of the family and i'm freaking out. completly.
gahhhhh! i don't know how i'm gonna make it. that's i lie, i don't know how, but i know that i will make it. and ok lying on my bed typing all this with my head on the matress and looking at the screen sideways, all the letters look realllllly weird. but it's awesome. lol ok yeah... randomness and sleep sillyness are obviously shown now. oops. whatev.

i spent like thirty min looking through all the different images that i'd put together and collected and such on photobucket that i was gonna be using and stuff all the time and i do ust them some but not like i figured i would, but that's ok. it was such a strange trip through my history looking at some. lol and i can't decide if some still apply to my life or not. but others i still completely love. one of the favorites:



i think it's just so cute.
one of the FIRST icons that i put in my album....



even if i'm not a beach/sea side girl, i love it. it's beautiful.
and i know it's a bit silly but pictures like that are the type of modeling i'd love to do... not the up close, or anything like that, but pictures that are silhouette's, distance, black and white and so forth. and preferably cute one's similar to this. it's just something i think i'd enjoy, either taking them or being in them. maybe someday i'll give it a shot. i just think i'm too shy to do any sort of modeling, even from a distance. i prefer candid shots of myself. and this post has gotten wayyy random. haha!

anyways. maybe i should attempt sleep. then again, tomorrow is only a monday. haha!

Mickey cap on the lamp, and Flowers on the wall

So i was up until 2am last night due to airports/friends/driving and snow. =)
what do i have to show for it?
A WALT DISNEY WORLD MICKEY EARS CAP with, my name embroidered into it, in HOT PINK! =)
lol i know i'm a silly goose [although no one can call me that cept myself i decided last night...] but it made me way happy. PLUS i got a pair of jeans back from a friend who'd borrowed them back in like, august or september. HAHA! yay. gotta love that. plus she should be getting my swimsuit back to me soon. woo!

and then today, i took it slow n easy doing nothingness before work. just spent tons of time online, but i did finish some laundry, and clear up a small part of my room and finally did something with my flowers.
yes flowers.
I got some BEAUTIFUL pink gerbier daisies from my lovely boy, Robby, for valentines. <3 gotta love him for all he put into it. and well, they mean something to me, especially since this is the first valentines since 8th grade that i've either a)not broken up with a guy [within a week before or the day of...] and b) i'm not single, and thus celebrating Singles Awareness Day. haha! now robby says i have expectations and that he should've started off easy by like, just being my boyfriend or saying 'happy valentines, i love you' haha! yeah right. lol whatev. next years goal, to be with him on valentines. haha! right, anyways, the flowers, well they're wilted and such and since they mean something to me, i finally pulled them outta the vase and fixed them up all pretty with a ribbon and have hung them on my wall.
They're next to the lamp that my new Mickey Ears are sitting on and i think it's just the funniest thing ever and they make me happy. =)

thought i'd share some of my random happiness for the day with yall.
<3

the sickness

I hate being sick, but i like loosing my voice.
i've probably mentioned it before but thought i'd say it again.

Loving work at the Theater. thinking of changing life around maybe in the next lil bit. looking to take a nice trip to Michigan to see my buddy Robby here in April. =) lots of fun.

loving this time online lately. =) wish i took the incentive to do it more.
oh well...
gotta get better so i can get online more. =)

oh me oh my

why do things have to cost so much?
Has anyone invented teleportation yet? If so, i want to shake their hand.
and if nobody has... THEN INVENT IT! roar. [dinosaur!]

Can i just, move now? right now? and be with him? it's what i want. him, and some sort of education, from somewhere.